June Baby

Well, it's June 1st so my journey has been going on for 5 full months now.  A few things have happened in the past couple days that I want to share, or more accurately I want to express as a part of gaining a better understanding of where I am and what the future has in store for me. 

First, I want to thank everyone for their continued support via email, comments, Facebook, etc.  It really is so nice to know that so many other people have related to this epiphany I am experiencing.  The one I wanted to address directly is toward my uncle.  He called me out of the blue the other night to tell  me how much he appreciated what I wrote.  This evoked a very positive, and a very negative response from me.  As a man living with cancer, to hear him connect to my blog was amazing.  The negative (guilt) response came from my inability to express to him when he learned of his diagnosis my sympathy and support.  I know that was just part of the "old Jim" mindset of shutting down at the first sign of trouble, but the reality is that I know I wouldn't be that guy today.  Two specific themes came from our conversation that I feel compelled to share.  First is that he told me that I need to let go of my guilt.  Quite a well timed comment, given how I was feeling specifically about where I feel I fell short regarding him.  But he was (and is) exactly right.  Guilt really does not serve a purpose, at least not from the perspective of an enduring sense of becoming happy.  It can be a motivator to accept our failures so as not to repeat them, but we have to let go of it.  Feel the guilt, let it teach the lesson, then let the guilt go, but carry the lesson.  Enduring guilt is counterproductive in that it is a past focused concept and only hinders our ability to move forward.  The second concept we discussed was that of the journey itself.  I had some intuition to the point he brought up, but he cast it into a very clear light for me.  He said that the journey continues.  (Paraphrasing)  And it hit me.  I was thinking of this experience in terms of an ultimate (and intermediate) terminus points.  The "One day I'll....<fill in the blank>" attitude with things like:

- Reach my goal weight
- Be happy with my body
- Get off the medications

But what I'm realizing now is that I need to stop thinking about those points as endings of one journey, but rather a way point along the path.  Life IS the journey, it is NOT the destination.  For me this means (I think) that I need to ensure that my goals are focused enough to know when I'm attaining the intended results, but flexible enough to encourage a lifetime of growth and learning.  So, to my brave uncle who found encouragement in my words, know that I found equal parts of support and love in yours.  Keep on fighting and know that "the choice" has become a mantra of mine. 

The other topic of this post deals with some emotions I had to deal with today.  I made a specific blog regarding the beginning of the ordeal. 

http://jfranting.blogspot.com/

This was the way the day started, and I found myself more than at any time in the past month having to consciously bring myself back down from some emotional rough spots.  Now, I'm not nearly naive enough to think that this sort of life change would go off without a hitch, but just like quitting smoking knowing this fact and having a nic-fit are two VERY different things.  I will say preemptively that even though I did go further toward my old "anger" reactions I was able to make the choice to come back down.  But it was scary.  I series of issues on the road had tried my patience, and then IT happened.  I was trying to pull into a parking space when some jack hole tried to cut around me, and nearly hit the car.  Angela's car.  White flash of rage!!!!!!!!!  I pulled into the spot, and senior moron went past, and as I thrust the car into park, white knuckles on the steering wheel, I could feel that primal emotion.  I was angry.  And then as I realized that this idiot had pushed me past the point of no return (sort of) and that this was again "old Jim" behavior, and that made me more mad.  That I had let go of the choice and was a slave to my negative emotions.  I got out of the car, did a little vocal purging, and within a minute or two I was back.  I could laugh about it.  But for that short period of time I was reminded that if I am going to be successful at conquering my demons, I have to remember that I will have to be ever vigilant to these emotions.  It is okay to have them, but I can't let them control me.  I can't be a slave to them.  That's what got me into this situation in the first place, letting my situations and emotions dictate my responses, rather than the inverse.

So today was a lesson.  One that I honestly am still working on digesting, but even if all I take from it was the knowledge that I have to be an active participant in my own happiness and that I will always need to do that, it was a good lesson.  I'm the captain of this ship dammit, and if I want to stay on course, I can't just abandon my fate to the winds.  Keep my rudder true, and my sails full and I can make it.